Goodnights

Betty Caruso….Amy Poehler
Jodi Dietz….Maya Rudolph
DeeDee….Kristen Wiig
Frank O’Connor….Jake Gyllenhaal

[Open with a dilapidated Bronx building.Theme music playing. Camera pans back and it shows the TV studio for Bronx Beat. Betty and Jodi are sitting down chewing gum. They are having a conversation already. They have strong New York accents.]



Jodi Dietz: Smoke’em if you got ‘em. All right. Let’s introduce our guest.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! The guest—

Jodi Dietz: I know. Tell me about it.

Betty Caruso: All right. Here we go.

Jodi Dietz: Here we go. Buckle up.

[Betty picks up an index card]

Betty Caruso: All right. I can’t read this. This is chicken scratch. Who wrote this?

Jodi Dietz: It’s mine. I’m sorry. I’m a mess.

Betty Caruso: You have terrible penmanship.

Jodi Dietz: Its my eyes.

Betty Caruso: Well, you tried the best you can. All right, here we go. Let’s just bring him on, ok? Bring him on.

Jodi Dietz: He’ll tell us his name. Come on out, come on out. Have a seat.

[Theme music plays. A handsome, athletic dude with a book sits next to them]

Betty Caruso: Sit down.

Jodi Dietz: What’s your name?

Frank O’Connor: Hello. I’m Frank O’Connor.

Betty Caruso: Oh my God! Look at him! He’s gorgeous.

Jodi Dietz: He’s gorgeous. Look at that face.

Betty Caruso: Love him. He’s adorable, adorable face.

Jodi Dietz: So you wrote a book, sweetheart?

Frank O’Connor: Yes.

Betty Caruso: So adorable. Look at his face. I’m loving his face.

Jodi Dietz: Those eyes!

Betty Caruso: What are you? Part Indian?

Jodi Dietz: You Cherokee?

Betty Caruso: Look at those cheekbones. What are you? Sioux? You Sioux? You got Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Chippewa?

Betty Caruso: Got a little Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: What are you? Apache?

Jodi Dietz: You Mohegan?

Betty and Jodi Dietz: Mohegan?!

Betty Caruso: Yeah, when you go out gambling do you go to Mohegan or Fox woods? What are you? Tell us.

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: You got Sioux in you?

Jodi Dietz: You Sioux?

Betty Caruso: Sioux?

Frank O’Connor: Uh, well, I’m Irish-Italian.

Betty Caruso: Oh, God! Temper, temper.

Jodi Dietz: That’s a terrible mix.

Betty Caruso: Not features-wise, obviously, not features-wise but temperament, no. Terrible bargain.

(Oh the brilliance of Amy Poehler, I am a huge SNL fan (not as much as CO) But I love love love this eventhough I have only heard it out of CO’s mouth.. )